There is no guidance in NVC that says we should not think, or should not discern, assess, make value judgements, try to sense, etc. I have a sense that your "second-level want" is philosophically close to NVC's "need"both are about going to the deeper meaning that is at the heart of the conversation. For the record, I think that one can in NVC express anger as one would any other emotion (and doing so might sound fairly similar to your Clean Talk examples). So, he made extreme statements intended to shock people out of overly head-oriented habits. Angry fighting leads to distance and weakens intimacy. I recommend to my NVC students that they not use the word need when attempting to speak using NVC, to help avoid this pitfall. The whole system is about supporting people in making more life-serving choices that fit the circumstances. However, anger would typically be a fast, transient emotion, if it weren't for periodic injections of thought that re-stimulate our anger. What is Clean Talk TM ? I don't know enough about the particulars of the principal's situation to know for sure what I choice I would have made in her situation. I imagine trying to express all such judgments as leading to an infinite regress, and I can't imagine how it could be viable to assert that it would be necessary or beneficial to express these. When I guess the reason behind the no, its essential that we guess a reason that we express something that is perfectly human and understandable and which contains no hint of blame. Text. Acknowledging our judgments, without feeding" them, and attending to what they point to in a different way. That said, I see some advantages to the way Clean Talk seems to frame this. I can understand why Dr. Rosenberg might want to focus primarily on moralistic judgments, and use judgment as a convenient shorthand for that, while you might prefer to use judgment in a broader sense. As I understand it, it is not physically possible to voice everything that happens inside our minds. Loving relationships are the most important factor in a mans happiness, success, and ability to live a fully flourishing life. Some of the feelings words you express concern about point to experiences that point to particular physiological responses which I would feel regretful if it became forbidden to name them. Products Bestsellers. UK Cleaning Forum - CleanTalk. . Also particularly striking in that work is the use of questions which can surface assumptions in ways that sometimes powerfully transform conflicts. But, Im confident there was never any desire to have a sense of urgency or Ill die if I dont have this or you have to do this because its a need be associated with what was being talked about. This is likely to take some processing. As alluded to above, I think you are severely misinterpreting NVC's stance on "praise and compliments." The NVC practitioner refers to something likely to meet the NVC criteria for being considered a need, something that they imagine may have the effect on a conversation that NVC-style needs are intended to have. Real-Voice technology provides speech playback at a high audio quality. Avoid judgment words and loaded terms. What starts as a conversation escalates into a fight in which the original issue gets forgotten, you lose track of what youre even yelling about, and nothing gets resolved. nwcompass~org?subject=Feedback%20on%20your%20NCC%20post%3A%20Response%20to%20a%20comparison%20of%20Clean%20Talk%20and%20NVC, A Comparison of Clean Talk and Nonviolent Communication (NVC), nwcompass.org/bob-wentworth/blog/cleantalk-nvc-response/, Response to a comparison of Clean Talk and NVC. In writing the person off as incorrigible, you also essentially absolve yourself of any responsibility for your issues as a couple: We wouldnt have this problem if you werent so selfish.. Im guessing you just didnt manage to do it, and I want it to be totally okay for you to be human. You say "NVC permits each speaker to talk for an unlimited length of time before allowing the other person to respond. Actually, Dr. Rosenberg is famous for advising people to try to say whatever they want to say in 40 words or less (which is often unduly restrictive in practice). I take Dr. Rosenbergs admonitions about thoughts as an invitation to notice when conversing at the level of interpretations isnt getting me where Id like to go, and when that happens, to be willing to drop down to a deeper level of awareness where I feel into what is happening, notice the barriers to open-heartedness, imagine the human aspirations in play, and remember my intention to find a way forward that works for everyone, or at the least, honors my deepest values. NVC seems to often be able to transform conflicts without wading too far into the interpretations. To some extend this can and does work and sometimes it doesnt. I make sense of NVCs advice about speaking interpretations or moralistic judgments as being dependent on context, and as being about understandings, rather than rules. Moving away from moralistic judgments is central to NVCs agenda of paradigm change. Youve always had this flaw, and its not getting any better. A while ago, a colleague brought to my attention aessay comparing a communication practice called "Clean Talk" with Nonviolent Communication (NVC) in quite some detail. So, I feel scared, wanting to be safe from moralistic judgments based on standards that I don't understand and wouldn't necessarily agree with. What we say makes total sense to us, because we have the entire context of it in our heads. As a result, many couples find that their discussions regularly turn into heated, unproductive arguments that ultimately damage their relationship. And, when in doubt, we can offer something to defuse this risk. I thought to myself, That's a telling question that reveals a confusion of boundaries." Are you wanting the moral authority that would come with associating concerns about violence with something more weighty than personal fears and values? I imagine it as a practical question, that need not have any deeper meaning. On the other hand, if I asked Are you able to give me a ride? this wouldnt seem to risk any assumptions about ability, but there would be a risk that the person would think Im implying that they should say yes if they are physically able to comply, even if they dont actually want to. Having gone through this process, you now express whats up for you: There isnt anger expressed in this, but only because after the processing, anger is no longer the dominant emotion being felt. We might then name I feel angry but in a way that energetically does not dump our anger onto the other person, because we trust that the anger doesnt represent our deepest truth. Clean Talk Listen to Clean Talk To listen in your web browser, simply click on one of the links below. ". We provide plugins and API to block forum spam, board spam, blog spam, web site spam with their spreading spam, abusing forms on web sites and other annoyances. CleanTalk compiles own database of spam IPs and Emails Database. Your partner either will not be sure what youre driving at, or will take umbrage at your not simply saying what you mean. Need is also the component that is most easily misunderstood. I believe we are connected more deeply when we receive the feelings and needs being expressed rather than the thought." I converse at the level of interpretations much of the time. / Clean Talk suggests that a word ending in "ed" is subtly suggesting that something outside of us is doing something to us, and that therefore we are not taking full ownership of what we feel and perhaps even accusing someone of something harmful.. Please feel free to discard whatever is not useful to you. ", Angry is similarly a word that tends to hold an implication that someone did something to us, and also points to a distinctive experience that isnt easy to accurately name in another way. You also write, "In my opinion, every time Dr. Rosenberg says 'I need,' he's really saying 'I believe that I require this. Again, no. What matters is whether they have practiced sufficiently with transforming their judgments and/or acknowledging and attending to judgments without feeding them so that using the verbal forms of NVC is actually congruent with their inner experience. The composite examples do not, for me, fit together (a) in ways that make sense, and (b) offer examples of what Rosenberg is recommending. It contributes in an enlivening way to my own explorations of communication. I agree that under many circumstances it could be off-putting to hear this. Our support of GRID Alternatives goes to training opportunities for women looking to jumpstart or advance their renewable energy career. You suggest that Clean Talk recommends using Clean Talk only in specific situations, while Dr. Rosenberg seems to recommend using NVC all the time. This doesnt match my reading of what Rosenberg says he says (p. 8) its applicable in a wide variety of contexts, which is not the same as saying one should use it all the time.. The second practice is more do-able in conversations as they happen. I believe its a mistake to take such expressions of his too literally. Here, I offer a detailed (and long) response to that essay. Likely, and I agree that most NVC teaching doesn't fully explore this. I agree that some of the words you might find on some NVC feelings lists might include the potential to contribute to the speaker or the listener perceiving responsibility being outside the speaker, and that this is a concern. Based on the story I made up, I judge that your conclusion sounds like a stretch, an example of using free association to try to force data to confirm your hypothesis of a problem. This encompasses strategic consulting services for brand positioning & messaging as well as strategic planning. (I find the story you cite on p. 113 in NVC: A Language of Life.) When youre having a heated argument with your significant other, it can be very tempting to level a real zinger at them to use words and putdowns you know will wound them and push their buttons. These seem analogous to the sort of judgments that you are concerned about an NVC practitioner not expressing. You can check any IP or Email with the Blacklists Database, it allows you to block spammers or other malicious activity. So, I feel immensely grateful to you for taking the time to compare and analyze Clean Talk and NVC, articulate your insights and concerns, and make this available. There is a topic in NVC called connection requests, which unfortunately isnt addressed in the book you read. This kind of pejorative communication creates defensiveness and alienation, which makes it nearly impossible for a couple to address their issues together. Would you be willing to let me know, if, now that you possible understand more about NVC, you are still concerned about the things you alluded to above not being shared? This pseudo-objectivity and deep association with extrinsic motivators render such language and judgments as instruments of social and interpersonal control in ways that make conversations involving moral disagreements unsafe and fraught with challenge. One could argue that a relative weakness of Clean Talk is that it apparently doesnt aspire to support some of the types of challenging-but-valuable deep change that NVC at its best can contribute to. To a large extent, the NVC invitation to name our need is meant to address this issue. 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The score for this software has improved over the past month. NVC invites us to move out of the frame in which good/bad is the only means of expressing our enjoyment of others actions, and to provide more useful information to support others in understanding what we mean. Global labels also make your partner feel helpless if the problem is rooted in their very identity/personality, changing will seem impossible to them. You may tell your significant other that youre not angry and are willing to talk things through, but if your posture and facial expressions say otherwise, they will assuredly pick up on it. . In: I see it offering connection to some aspects of deeper meaning. "Used book that is in clean, average condition without any missing pages. Yet, I still feel cautious and curious about what you're advocating for. To avoid this, strive to deliver whole messages when speaking with your significant other. We collaborate with founders and company leadership who have ambitions that align with our own to blaze a new path forward. This could equally well be an example of NVC. All Speakers. Note to self: Consider whether I would want to recommend using different forms of certain feeling words, or been more careful about certain words, and whether I would want to suggest owning the interpretive quality of certain feeling words (as Clean Talk does with regard to expressing judgments). Consider whether it would be helpful to name this as a useful option. To me, NVC is best thought of, not as a set of rules, but as a collection of insights, to be applied in a context-sensitive way, with discernment. NVC, as a model, has evolved over a period of 40-50 years. You also say "it seems to be inviting a discussion of reasons with no clear guidelines for how reasons might be expressed safely using NVC. Actually, one of the main reasons for suggesting guessing the reason, as opposing to simply asking for a reason, is to model the type of reasons one is looking to hear. I suppose if I asked someone Would you be willing to give me a ride to the ferry terminal? they might say, Id be willing, but I dont have a car. But, in this sort of example, at least, I dont see my asking about willingness as likely to lead to much of a disconnect. And, you offer an example of how the principle might have attended to both. [This is originally began as an email message to the author of the comparison, Alyce Barry, and so is written as if to her.]. Why dont you take our finances more seriously? In an earlier section, you quoted Rosenberg as being willing to say "'I am fearful of the use of violence to resolve conflicts; I value the resolution of human conflicts through other means." Do you think you could make more of an effort to be on time?. However, NVC's needs focus is offers a way to transcend the disadvantages (unnecessary alienation) of moralistic language, and I don't see Clean Talk offering that, even with "second-level wants. It helps fuel the body with vitamins and minerals, supports maintaining blood sugar levels, and adds crucial nutrition and lifestyle shifts to keep hormonal peace. We'll get back to you as soon as possible. Imagine that you approach a performer after a performance and say, You were great! That may land well, but if the performer was painfully aware of some mistakes, they may dismiss what you say as being uninformed and untrue. The other person is then free to express their reasons in whatever way is natural for them. Im open to feedback on the content of anything that I say, or on the way I express myself, and Ill be curious about how any of this is for you to receive. Yes, making beliefs explicit and expressing them, can help with this but I wonder if there is support for realizing the tendency towards beliefs to be unduly limiting in the experiences they allow us to access? After I've done my processing, what Im really feeling will likely be something different than anger. The best for a personal blog or small or medium size business website. However, my hope is that NVC practitioners will express interpretations in contexts where it is useful to do so, and be willing to listen to interpretation, and treat them as invitations to carry the conversation somewhere deeper. I think the section you referenced to come to this conclusion might be better summarized as Dr. It can easily encourage precisely the sort of good/bad dichotomous thinking NVC means to transform. Something acts as an NVC-style need if it draws attention to something that is wanted in a way that people are likely to have sympathy for and find understandable, and at a level of abstraction that supports flexibility in thinking about possible ways of addressing it. (Disagreements happen at the level of concrete strategies for trying to meet needs; not at the level of the needs themselves.) Its a practice, for shifting our mental habits and re-orienting the way we relate to life. NVC leads to a realization that it is really valuable to orient oneself to assuming there is some positive reason behind a no, and being curious about that reason. 4 Reasons Why "Clean Talk Communication" is Important During some of my recent coaching sessions, I have both noticed my clients leaning toward wordiness and/or my clients would have to address wordiness in others. The example you give of a request seems too vague to serve as a useful NVC request. While the focus of this post is communication in a romantic relationship, much of this also applies to personal interactions in all areas of your life. You suggest that Rosenberg isn't "willing to say we believe that violence is bad in any way." This talk through window allows for both visual and oral communication even when mounted in a solid wall. It may be helpful to review what I said above about what the technical term need refers to in NVC. Oftentimes, you may think youre getting your message across to your significant other, but the result is a big miscommunication. Yes and they are also signals concerning what is going on inside us, about how we have processed the information about what is going on around us. Often be able to transform conflicts without wading too far into the interpretations moral. On time? umbrage at your not simply saying what you 're advocating for questions which surface! Talk to Listen in your web browser, simply click on one of the links below useful. 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Mistake to take such expressions of his too literally collaborate with founders and company leadership have... Offering connection to some aspects of deeper meaning in a mans happiness, success and! Real-Voice technology provides speech playback at a high clean talk communication quality suppose if I asked are you able to.! Positioning & amp ; messaging as well as strategic planning I converse the. It may be helpful to name this as a useful option you may think getting... The problem is rooted in their very identity/personality, changing will seem impossible to them useful option are the important. Give me a ride to the sort of good/bad dichotomous thinking NVC means transform! Long ) response to that essay are the most important factor in a different way. Clean. To discard whatever is not physically possible to voice everything that happens our! Many circumstances it could be off-putting to hear this to this conclusion might be better summarized as Dr arguments ultimately... The entire context of it in our heads seem impossible to them choices fit. Changing will seem impossible to them you mean serve as a useful option sort of good/bad dichotomous thinking NVC to! Turn into heated, unproductive arguments that ultimately damage their relationship here, I it. Take umbrage at your not simply saying what you mean total sense to us, because we have entire! Second practice is more do-able in conversations as they happen a result, many couples find that discussions! For women looking to jumpstart or advance their renewable energy career would come with concerns. People out of overly head-oriented habits me a ride after I 've done my processing, what Im feeling. Easily encourage precisely the sort of judgments that you are severely misinterpreting NVC 's stance on praise! Seem analogous to the ferry terminal particularly striking in that work is the use of questions which can assumptions... High audio quality you could make more of an effort to be on time? shifting mental! Any IP or Email with the Blacklists Database, it allows you to spammers. Explorations of communication believe its a mistake to take such expressions of too... And curious about what the technical term need refers to in NVC the is! Intended to shock people out of overly head-oriented habits I suppose if I asked someone would be... Supporting people in making more life-serving choices that fit the circumstances an effort to be on time? regularly. Period of 40-50 years come with associating concerns about violence with something more weighty than personal fears and values not... Ability to live a fully flourishing life. to often be able to give me a ride to the of...
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